Three days ago I wrote a blog post that no one will ever read. It was angry, it was sad, it was graphic and raw, but it was therapeutic. It was full of obscenities that I usually only spew after a few too many. I wrote it and I saved it. I read it over and over, debating whether or not I wanted all of that "out there". I decided on two things...I don't want to embarrass anyone or put anyone in an awkward position (My family, close friends) with the language/content, and will it do any good? - likely not.
Some of you are reading this and are likely confused...so, here's a brief synopsis and how this all relates to my recovering fat girl-ness.
Many obese/overweight people struggle with infertility and miscarriage. I was one of them. My husband and I were married when I was 19. By the time I was 25, I had suffered 3 miscarriages and we were childless. A couple years went by and we decided it was time to try again. Keep in mind, in the meantime I had completely stopped ovulating and was completely infertile. We began seeing a reproductive endocrinologist who started us on fertility medications. We did the shots for months and were beginning to drain our finances. We had no success on medications. Because of our religious beliefs, doing further reproductive therapies (IVF, IUI, surrogacy) were out of the question. We decided that we would stop and accept that there were no children in our future.
Six weeks later I learned we were expecting. Our son was born in October 2006 and he was (is) PERFECT. It was the cycle following our last treatment that we conceived. To this day I believe all of those drugs "kick started" my system. A few months following the birth of our son I again became anovulatory (not ovulating).
In 2010 we learned we were pregnant again. Given our history, my husband and I decided to keep the news to ourselves. We made it to 6 weeks and I miscarried. No one ever knew except my husband, myself, and our OB.
In April 2011, I had my 80% of my stomach removed in the hopes I would lose massive amounts of weight. Success. By October 2011 I was down over 100 pounds. My fertility had returned.
And I became pregnant.
They tell you to use two forms of birth control, and now I know why. Your fertility comes back after weight loss...WITH. A. VENGEANCE. I was terrified. My nutrition was very low. I was only getting about 500-600 calories in a day and was losing my hair, having skin issues, etc. It was not good.
Long story short, baby didn't develop properly and we lost him on December 22, 2011 at 11 weeks along. We had told everyone I was expecting - even our son. We thought everything would be okay despite what my OB was telling me. It was not a good Christmas. We tried to smile and make it the best we could for our son, but it was HARD.
I trudged on...I'd be lying if I said I was fine. I wasn't, but I moved on.
April 2012 - my one year "surgiversary". I was elated. I had lost 160 pounds and was nearly to goal. I was working out nearly every day and was training for my 4th 5k race.
And then I became pregnant. Again.
Freaking out - I immediately had blood work and an ultrasound. Sure enough, baby was in there...and completely healthy. My labs were textbook. My gosh, this one was going to stick! We told our family and friends - extra prayers don't hurt, right?
I continued on for many weeks receiving good news. He/she had a strong heartbeat, I was beginning to feel the flutters in my stomach, I was in maternity clothes (by the time one is at their 7th pregnancy, one tends to show extremely early).
At 12 weeks, I was at work and began spotting. It was a Friday. I was taken to the ER and it was confirmed by ultrasound that the baby had passed likely within the last 12-24 hours. I was measuring at 12 weeks 2 days. He/she looked perfect...just still...so very still. My discharge diagnosis was fetal demise. I will never forget that. It meant another one of my children had DIED. I was a physical and emotional wreck.
I was sent home that night in the hopes I would make it to Monday when my OB was in town and she could perform a D&C. Unfortunately, within about 12 hours my hemorrhaging was out of control and I was taken back to the ER.
I delivered our child naturally in the hospital.
I had a D&C a few hours later to complete the process.
We were crushed. I failed yet again.
Two weeks later while on a family reunion vacation, I started to have massive pain/cramping/bleeding. As soon as we returned home I had an ultrasound that confirmed that I had a massive blood clot that had fused to the c-section scar from when I had our son. I was given medication to put me into labor for the next three days with the hope I pass the clot. That was about a month ago now, and it seems all is okay.
The emotional toll this has taken on me - I can't even put it into words. As I said, I feel like a complete and total failure as a woman. I feel like I have played with people's emotions - I give them the excitement of allowing them to celebrate with us - only to have to take that away. Every day since I have lost our 6th pregnancy - I live in total fear. I fear my son will be hurt. I fear I will be hurt. I have graphic, horrifying nightmares. I'm terrified to go too far from my house in fears that I won't be close by if anything happens. I check my son's breathing tens of times every night. I keep waiting for something bad to happen. It's awful.
I have friends that ignore me, I have friends that have smothered me. I have a couple friends that have had the perfect perspective and have helped me trudge through. So many people just don't know what to say. I feel very alienated. My mom has been wonderful - calling often, listening to my cry, hearing me ramble and try to make sense of all of this.
My doctor has given me anti-anxiety medication that has helped a bit, and I take Ambien every night to sleep without nightmares and to minimize the times I am checking on my son.
I'm not me. Someday...I hope to be more of the happy-go-lucky self that people are waiting to see. In time, I'm sure.
So, for those that are contemplating bariatric surgery - PLEASE take into consideration your fertility, your nutrition, and your mental health. It is an emotional journey - more so that I had ever expected. Go to support group. Meet with your behaviorist and nutritionist as often as your doctor allows you to. (All of which I did not do like I should have). I can only imagine much of this would have been easier had I done it the "right" way.
