Looking for the Light at the End of the Tunnel....

Three days ago I wrote a blog post that no one will ever read.  It was angry, it was sad, it was graphic and raw, but it was therapeutic.  It was full of obscenities that I usually only spew after a few too many.  I wrote it and I saved it.  I read it over and over, debating whether or not I wanted all of that "out there".  I decided on two things...I don't want to embarrass anyone or put anyone in an awkward position (My family, close friends) with the language/content, and will it do any good? - likely not.

Some of you are reading this and are likely confused...so, here's a brief synopsis and how this all relates to my recovering fat girl-ness.

Many obese/overweight people struggle with infertility and miscarriage.  I was one of them.  My husband and I were married when I was 19.  By the time I was 25, I had suffered 3 miscarriages and we were childless.  A couple years went by and we decided it was time to try again.  Keep in mind, in the meantime I had completely stopped ovulating and was completely infertile.  We began seeing a reproductive endocrinologist who started us on fertility medications.  We did the shots for months and were beginning to drain our finances. We had no success on medications. Because of our religious beliefs, doing further reproductive therapies (IVF, IUI, surrogacy) were out of the question. We decided that we would stop and accept that there were no children in our future. 

Six weeks later I learned we were expecting.  Our son  was born in October 2006 and he was (is) PERFECT.  It was the cycle following our last treatment that we conceived.  To this day I believe all of those drugs "kick started" my system.  A few months following the birth of our son I again became anovulatory (not ovulating).

In 2010 we learned we were pregnant again.  Given our history, my husband and I decided to keep the news to ourselves.  We made it to 6 weeks and I miscarried.  No one ever knew except my husband, myself, and our OB.

In April 2011, I had my 80% of my stomach removed in the hopes I would lose massive amounts of weight.  Success.  By October 2011 I was down over 100 pounds.  My fertility had returned.

And I became pregnant.

They tell you to use two forms of birth control, and now I know why.  Your fertility comes back after weight loss...WITH. A. VENGEANCE.    I was terrified.  My nutrition was very low.  I was only getting about 500-600 calories in a day and was losing my hair, having skin issues, etc.  It was not good.

Long story short, baby didn't develop properly and we lost him on December 22, 2011 at 11 weeks along. We had told everyone I was expecting - even our son.  We thought everything would be okay despite what my OB was telling me. It was not a good Christmas.  We tried to smile and make it the best we could for our son, but it was HARD.

I trudged on...I'd be lying if I said I was fine.  I wasn't, but I moved on.

April 2012 - my one year "surgiversary".  I was elated.  I had lost 160 pounds and was nearly to goal.  I was working out nearly every day and was training for my 4th 5k race.

And then I became pregnant.  Again.

Freaking out - I immediately had blood work and an ultrasound.  Sure enough, baby was in there...and completely healthy.  My labs were textbook.  My gosh, this one was going to stick!  We told our family and friends - extra prayers don't hurt, right? 

I continued on for many weeks receiving good news.  He/she had a strong heartbeat, I was beginning to feel the flutters in my stomach, I was in maternity clothes (by the time one is at their 7th pregnancy, one tends to show extremely early). 

At 12 weeks, I was at work and began spotting.  It was a Friday.  I was taken to the ER and it was confirmed by ultrasound that the baby had passed likely within the last 12-24 hours.  I was measuring at 12 weeks 2 days.  He/she looked perfect...just still...so very still.  My discharge diagnosis was fetal demise.  I will never forget that.  It meant another one of my children had DIED.  I was a physical and emotional wreck.

I was sent home that night in the hopes I would make it to Monday when my OB was in town and she could perform a D&C.  Unfortunately, within about 12 hours my hemorrhaging was out of control and I was taken back to the ER.

I delivered our child naturally in the hospital.

I had a D&C a few hours later to complete the process.

We were crushed.  I failed yet again. 

Two weeks later while on a family reunion vacation, I started to have massive pain/cramping/bleeding.  As soon as we returned home I had an ultrasound that confirmed that I had a massive blood clot that had fused to the c-section scar from when I had our son.  I was given medication to put me into labor for the next three days with the hope I pass the clot.  That was about a month ago now, and it seems all is okay.

The emotional toll this has taken on me - I can't even put it into words.  As I said, I feel like a complete and total failure as a woman.  I feel like I have played with people's emotions - I give them the excitement of allowing them to celebrate with us - only to have to take that away.  Every day since I have lost our 6th pregnancy - I live in total fear.  I fear my son will be hurt.  I fear I will be hurt.  I have graphic, horrifying nightmares.  I'm terrified to go too far from my house in fears that I won't be close by if anything happens.  I check my son's breathing tens of times every night.  I keep waiting for something bad to happen.  It's awful. 

I have friends that ignore me, I have friends that have smothered me.  I have a couple friends that have had the perfect perspective and have helped me trudge through.  So many people just don't know what to say.  I feel very alienated.  My mom has been wonderful - calling often, listening to my cry, hearing me ramble and try to make sense of all of this.

My doctor has given me anti-anxiety medication that has helped a bit, and I take Ambien every night to sleep without nightmares and to minimize the times I am checking on my son. 

I'm not me.  Someday...I hope to be more of the happy-go-lucky self that people are waiting to see.  In time, I'm sure. 

So, for those that are contemplating bariatric surgery - PLEASE take into consideration your fertility, your nutrition, and your mental health.  It is an emotional journey - more so that I had ever expected.  Go to support group.  Meet with your behaviorist and nutritionist as often as your doctor allows you to.  (All of which I did not do like I should have).  I can only imagine much of this would have been easier had I done it the "right" way.

A Husband's Perspective

This is a guest post by my husband of nearly 14 years, Bobby.  I'm grateful for his input and it gave me even more insight into what it is like to be the spouse of someone that has undergone bariatric surgery.

I have always been big.  My family is big.  This is who I am.  I have watched my dad go through this change (bariatric surgery) as well as my mom and sister.  Until my wife said she was thinking of doing it, none of these thoughts went through my head.  

Lisa is a new person, the happiest I have ever seen her.  Her confidence is higher than I could have ever hoped.  It has taken longer than I thought but we are learning how to live better and her health is greatly improved. Sadly, people do treat her better.  Unfortunately when you are thin, many people are nicer to you.  Friends and family are much the same, although some seem envious of how much she has changed, but still happy for her.  Men do look at her a lot more, I am learning to cope with that.  Learning how to eat and what makes her sick caught us by surprise a little.  Food she once loved now makes her sick all night.  We have made three trips to the ER to take care of unforeseen problems, one simply because a piece of popcorn got stuck in her esophagus.  

As a spouse, this is much harder than I thought it would be.  Watching her in pain because she drank water too fast or ate ground beef is frustrating.  I often feel helpless, and this is a feeling I do not handle well. 

With any life changing decision, there are fears and hopes these are/were mine:

Fears:  Will my wife lose herself?  As a fat person myself much of who I am is wrapped up in in my size.  Will she be the same woman I have know for the last 15 years?  Will I be left behind as the "fat" one?  Will she start to see ME differently - lazy, unhealthy, etc.  How much work will it be for her and our family?  As the primary cook in the family, what will she start making us eat?  Will this make her happy?  Will she become the person she envisions in her head?  How much will this cost in regard to new clothing, different food, cosmetics, hair and nails, etc?  What or how different will family and friends treat her?  And the big one for me - How will she be looked at by other men?

It has been wonderful seeing the changes in my wife. I love seeing how happy she is buying new clothes because they are cute not just because they fit.  I am working on being complemented, rather than threatened when men give her attention.  Like anything in life, it has taken work, tears, sleepless nights, and arguments.  this has been one the best things to happen to my wife (other than marrying me, of course!) Most of my fears were unfounded as they tend to be.  The benefits and changes have improved our life and they have brought us closer than we were even a year ago.  I am immeasurably proud of my wife, and impressed with how she has handled all of these changes.  I love her dearly.

Husband of a Recovering Fat Girl.

Simply giddy.

I bought a size 6 bikini yesterday.  That is all.  Carry on.

SQUEALLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

Side note - hubby just finished his guest post.  Will be posting later today.

VSG FAQ

Over the last 10 months, many people have asked me MANY questions about my bariatric surgery.  Today I am offering my first Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy FAQ's.  These are my "real-life" personal experience answers - I am not offering any medical advice, I am not a medical professional.  I am simply relaying my personal experiences with the surgery.

Q:  How is your surgery different from the other gastric bypass surgeries?

A:  There are (by my understanding) three major types of bariatric surgery. 

• ROUX EN Y GASTRIC BYPASS:  Probably what most people think of when you mention bariatric surgery.  This surgery makes the stomach smaller and causes food to bypass the small intestine.  By bypassing part of the small intestine, this decreases how much food and nutrients are absorbed, and therefore weight is lost.  This is considered a malabsorptive procedure, as many nutrients are not absorbed and vitamin deficiencies can occour.  
• LAP-BAND:  This procedure involves placing a small adjustible band around the stomach that restricts the amounts of food that enters.  The band can be adjusted after surgery to help slow or assist in weight loss.  This procedure is common in people that don't have as much weight to lose as some morbidly obese people.
• VERTICAL SLEEVE GASTRECTOMY (my procedure):  This procedure involves removing up to 80% of the stomach and creating a "sleeve" with the remaining stomach tissue.  This is considered a restrictive (rather than malabsorptive) procedure due to the fact there is no bypassing of the intestines.  Simply put - smaller stomach, less food fits.  You lose weight. This procedure is often used as a "stepping stone" procedure for the super obese to assist them in losing enough weight to prepare them for the Roux-En-Y procedure.

Q:  Why did you choose the sleeve?

A:  When I first met with my surgeon, I was convinced I wanted the roux-en-y procedure.  That was, until  he told me that he preferred to do the procedure open.  Open, as in giant vertical incision down my entire stomach.  He explained that he did  the sleeve procedure laproscopically.  He also explained that because of my age (32 at the time), it would be beneficial for me to have the sleeve due to the fact that it did not restrict the absorbtion of nutrients and vitamins that a woman of child-bearing age needs.  So, with that, I decided to go with the sleeve.

Q:  How much did the surgery cost?

A:  I am blessed to have a husband that provides us phenominal insurance coverage through his employer.  I did not have to pay anything except my pre-op cost for nutritional consults as well as one psychologist consulation.  I also had to pay out-of-pocket for my pre-op diet food.  I paid about $1000 out of pocket for everything.  I did get my explanation of benefits from my insurance company that stated they paid just over $15,000 for the procedure.

Q:   How long did it take to get from initial consult to surgery?

A:  I had my initial consult on January 5.  My surgery was April 21.  This was extremely fast due to the fact that I was healthy (for a fat girl) with no major co-morbidities, and also because my insurance didn't require any prior-authorization or proof of medical necessity.

Q:  What all happens with your digestive process after the surgery?

A:  Digestion.  I have become more in-tune with my digestion than any one person should. First off, anesthesia and massive amounts of pain/anti-nausea meds cause constipation in most people.  Add in the fact that I was only getting about 1/4 cup of anything in my system in a DAY for the first 4 days caused me to become extremely dehydrated. Well, lets just say everything came to a stop.  A dead stop.  Until I learned of this magical stuff called Milk of Magnesia.  Oh, baby.  I get why old people take the stuff regularly.  As for the other end - vomiting...I to this day vomit at LEAST 3-4 times a week.  This is not normal.  It is a learning process to see what foods cause problems and which don't.  For me, a lot cause problems.  I am sensitive to ground meat (beef, turkey), steak, dairy, bread, and (until very recently) raw vegetables.  If I eat something that my stomach doesn't like, it rejects it hard and fast.  My family has become very accostomed to me hopping up from the dinner table and doing a mad dash to the restroom.  Not only does this happen when I eat something my stomach doesn't like, it also happens if I ingest too much air while I eat, or if I'm just drinking water...too large of a gulp will come screaming back up.  It's a delicate balance.  I have learned to chew, chew, chew.  I don't drink ANYTHING with meals, and I try to avoid foods I know I am sensitive to.

Q:  How much weight have you lost?

A:  I have lost 165 pounds since January 2011.  I would like to lose about 15 more.  I have a certain number I would like to see on the scale.  Even if I just touch it for a day...I want to see it.  I'm stubborn that way.

Q:  What size were you and what size are you now?

A:  This is something I rarely admit - but for informational purposes here we go.  I was a size 24 pant, 3X shirt and 46D bra.  I am now in a size 8 pant, S/M shirt, and 36B bra.  I don't expect to lose many more inches without the help of a plastic surgeon.  (and maybe I'll gain some inches in the bra cup department...just saying)  :)

Q:  Is it what you thought it would be like? What have you learned about yourself thru this process?

A:  I don't think there is enough preparation that one can do to prepare themselves for such a large life change.  Is it what I thought it would be like?  Somewhat.  My results are far exceeding even what my surgeon expected.  I hardly recognize myself in the mirror.  When I think of myself - I'm still the fat girl.  I still go to the plus-size section of department stores only to remember I need to go to petites now.  Relationships have changed, I have learned who my REAL friends are.  I have learned a lot about myself.  I have learned I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to.  I have learned how to take a compliment.  I have re-learned how to find joy in simple things.  The list goes on and on...

Q:  Any regrets?

A:  This surgery has saved and restored my life.  I would do it all over in a heartbeat.  The only regret I have is that I did not take into consideration how this journey would affect my husband.  He has never known me under 200 pounds.  He is getting to know a more energetic person, a person who gets out and moves, a person he has never really known before.  All along, this journey has been about ME - ME getting healthy - ME living longer - ME creating this new body.  I feel like I occasionally have left him in the dust.  He has been my biggest cheerleader, but I think this has really been hard for him, too.   

**My husband has agreed to do a guest post in the near future detailing a husband's perspective on seeing a spouse go through bariatric surgery**

I just want to add that bariatric surgery is a TOOL in weight loss.  It is not a magical "quick-fix".  It has been one of the most rewarding, but one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  It involves discipline, diet, exercise, and support.  Without these it CAN fail. I cannot thank my family and friends enough for all of their support in my continuing journey.  I would not be here if it wasn't for you.

**This is just the beginning of a series of VSG FAQ sessions.  If there is a specific question you would like answered, please don't hesitate to contact me.** 

Here we go!

I have been contemplating starting a blog for ages.  I finally decided it is time.

To begin:  I am a recovering fat girl.  Just over a year ago I weighed 315 pounds.  By the grace of modern medicine and excellent insurance coverage, I was able to have a vertical sleeve gastrectomy (VSG) in April 2011.   Since then, I have lost 165 pounds, dozens of inches, and all a large amount of my emotional baggage.  I have gained a smile, confidence, an opinion that I'm not afraid to share, and a pretty healthy addiction to working out.  I'm now in my next phase of my journey...transitioning to a "real food" diet.  

                     Me: December 2010

                                                             Me: February 2012

I'm going to share my stories of transition, motherhood, love, loss, heartbreak, mental illness, religion, diet, fitness and most of all, my journey of learning about who I really am.

Thank you for joining me in my journey...and for those who have already been on this crazy train of mine...thanks for hanging on.